scene: a marketplace. diogenes is sitting in a barrel. plato approaches with several scrolls and a headache.
plato: good afternoon, diogenes. the polis is once again collapsing into epistemic tribalism. i have constructed a two-axis model to explain why.
diogenes: i have constructed a fart to explain why you’re wrong.
plato: see, this is why dialogue fails.
diogenes: no, dialogue fails because you think people care about truth more than their vibes.
plato: …that is uncomfortably close to my conclusion.
diogenes: you’re welcome.
act i — the axes
plato: humans vary along individuality vs communitarianism, and hierarchy vs egalitarianism.
diogenes: so everyone is either a sheep, a wolf, a ladder, or a rug.
plato: in a sense.
diogenes: and the sheep think they are wolves.
plato: statistically, yes.
act ii — existential risk
plato: nuclear war and climate cascades pose real threats to civilization.
diogenes: burgers do not.
plato: correct.
diogenes: you listed burgers anyway.
plato: i had a moment.
diogenes: hive mind moment.
act iii — the hive
diogenes: everyone pretends to be unique while sharing the same thoughts.
plato: that’s called mass individuation.
diogenes: that’s called bullshit.
plato: peer review disagrees.
diogenes: peer review is the hive in robes.
act iv — misinfo & kahan
plato: we discovered that people protect identity more than facts.
diogenes: congratulations, you reinvented drunken arguments.
plato: we published it.
diogenes: that makes it worse.
act v — metaphysics
plato: consciousness itself is the root of suffering.
diogenes: no, it’s having too much time and not enough goats.
plato: my point stands.
diogenes: your point is wearing shoes it didn’t earn.
act vi — individuation
plato: society requires stability.
diogenes: yes.
plato: stability is a moral good.
diogenes: also yes.
plato: therefore—
diogenes: but anyone who worships stability becomes its prisoner, and anyone who ignores it becomes its victim.
plato: …write that down.
act vii — universal love
diogenes: by the way, i experience transcendent joy and universal love.
plato: i omitted that for methodological reasons.
diogenes: coward.
final scene
plato: so where do you place yourself on the axes?
diogenes: i reject the axes. i prefer the barrel.
plato: i am high individualist with soft hierarchy.
diogenes: you’re a nerd with nice intentions.
plato: and you are?
diogenes: a man who refuses precompiled maps.
plato: that sounds lonely.
diogenes: yes. the view is excellent.
plato: do you think the hive mind wins?
diogenes: no. but it makes a lot of noise before it gets bored.
plato: and what should we do?
diogenes: keep our minds free, our goats fed, and our maps provisional.
plato: jefferson was a guy.
diogenes: finally, something true.
curtain.